Using body language to diffuse an argument

Your body language can make an argument easier or harder to resolve. If you missed it, check out our blog post on body language can make arguments worse.

It ain’t what you say it’s the way that you say it! Although choosing your words carefully is always a good idea — especially if you are arguing with your partner — experts believe that in face-to-face interactions between 50 and 80 percent of communication is non-verbal. Yup! Strangely enough the words that we use may be the least important part of any message; it’s our intonation and our body language that really tells others what we think and feel. For the most part these signals are processed subconsciously — we’re rarely aware that we’re reacting to each other’s body language and, unless we’re making a special effort, we don’t know what signals our body is sending out.

In our previous article on body language we looked at the gestures you should avoid while arguing. Not doing these is a good start, but using body language to diffuse an argument is even better. It’s like having a bag of Jedi mind tricks at your disposal!

RECONCILIATION GESTURES

First things first! An argument with your partner isn’t a political debate — being right or scoring points is less important than finding a resolution.

Some people love to “win” an argument, but if you want your relationship to remain strong, happy, and supportive, feeling like you “won” is a whole lot less important that finding a workable compromise. Some people will continue arguing until they get their way or their partner gives in out if exhaustion. You know what we call those people? Divorced.

Next time you argue consider adopting some reconciliation postures. Reconciliation gestures tell your partner that you are listening to them and are interested and engaged in what they are saying. It can be hard to do this if you feel attacked — we know that. But if both partners make an effort to minimize argumentative body language and use reconciliation gestures, your arguments will be less intense and more easily resolved.

The Three Golden Rules to Improve Conflict Communication in Relationships

Our Three Golden Rules are the essential body language postures you should adopt when arguing with your partner. Read, learn, and most importantly, remember them to create more respectful and empathetic discussions.
If you’re seeking professional support, explore more guidance on MarriageTherapy.ie, including advice from a qualified sex therapist and helpful mindfulness exercises to support emotional regulation in your relationship.

1. Keep an Open Body Language During Arguments

Crossed arms and legs suggest you are closed off to what your partner is saying. To counter this, adopt open body language:

• Face your partner,
• Avoid crossing your arms or legs,
• Keep your palms facing upwards.

These small adjustments signal that you are receptive and open, encouraging a more connected and constructive exchange.

2. Sit Down to Level the Conversation

Ideally, both partners should sit down during an argument. This is especially important for men, as greater height can unintentionally come across as dominant or intimidating.

When you are standing while your partner is seated, it may send a signal of superiority or threat, even if that is not your intention.

By sitting down to be at the same eye level, you communicate mutual respect and understanding. In some cases, even lowering your body posture can act as a gesture of reconciliation, especially if you are seeking to de-escalate the tension.

3. Maintain Eye Contact to Show You’re Listening

In the heat of an argument, many people instinctively look away or avoid eye contact. However, making the effort to look your partner in the eyes communicates that you are present and actively listening.

This not only builds trust and attentiveness, but also reduces the likelihood of either partner saying something unnecessarily hurtful or reactive, since direct eye contact encourages accountability and emotional presence.

Getting into the habit of using the Three Golden Rules

Now, we know you are only human, and when you are arguing you are more likely to be concerned about the issue at hand than your body language. However, what you can do is consciously always use the Three Golden Rules whenever you talk to your partner about something serious. If you get into the habit of using the Three Golden Rules when you are not arguing, it is a lot easier to remember to use it when you are. Think of it as your “serious discussion pose.”

Better yet, suggest it to your partner as well. Whenever you want to talk about something important you both adopt this pose. Once it becomes second nature you’ll do it when arguing as well.

Of course, if you are cuddling on the couch watching a movie and the discussion is whether you should have popcorn or biscuits, there’s no need for the Three Golden Rules. Carry on as you were!

Other Reconciliation Gestures to Defuse Conflict and Reconnect Emotionally

The Three Golden Rules are your go-to body language tools to help defuse conflict during arguments. However, there are additional non-verbal gestures that can help you reconnect and foster emotional safety in your relationship. These reconciliation techniques, when applied thoughtfully, can complement therapeutic approaches such as those recommended in mindfulness practices and explored in sessions with a sex therapist.

Hold Hands When the Tension Begins to Ease

If a heated discussion is beginning to cool off, try reaching out and holding your partner’s hand. This small gesture can signal vulnerability and care.

However, timing is crucial. If you’re still in the thick of the conflict, holding hands might be seen as manipulative or as an attempt to bypass the issue. Use it only when both of you are starting to emotionally soften.

Offer a Hug—But Only If Your Partner Is Ready

When your partner is upset or crying, offering a gentle, supportive hug can be a powerful way to provide comfort.

That said, never assume physical contact is welcome. Make sure your partner is open to closeness—otherwise, a hug may intensify discomfort or feel intrusive.

Understanding these emotional boundaries is a topic often addressed in relationship therapy, where couples learn to read and respect each other’s emotional signals.

Mea Culpa: Use Body Language to Show Genuine Remorse

Let’s say you did something wrong. You’ve argued, your partner is hurt, and you feel truly sorry. Your body should communicate that contrition.

People who are sincerely sorry tend to slope their shoulders and bow their heads slightly—a natural posture that conveys shame and accountability.

This doesn’t mean you need to slump entirely, but maintaining a humble, softened posture while apologizing—ideally while still making eye contact—reinforces the authenticity of your regret.

Combining physical sincerity with verbal apology is a practice often encouraged in sessions at MarriageTherapy.ie, helping partners align words and actions during conflict resolution.